How a brain aneurysm can overwhelm past trauma

I was wrong last month.  I was confused and I panicked.  His behavior wasn't okay.  He has no right to treat anyone the way he treated me.  But I should have taken a little time alone and figured out why I felt that way.  So lost.  So afraid. It had been many years since I left my abusive marriage and I've only been seeing this new man for a couple months.  Yet, he scared me.  Did I overreact?   He was wrong.  He should have not reacted the way he did.  Maybe, he should have taken time to calm down.  Maybe he needs to learn how to treat a woman.  Especially if he ever wants to keep one.  But maybe, I should have taken a little more time to decide if I was overreacting.  Having gone through what I did in the past makes it really difficult to not run.

What I escaped

Twenty four years ago my life went completely off course.  Thirteen years ago I escaped.  Today I realize I'm still drowning.  I wish more than anything I had known the signs of an abuser, sociopath, psychopath whatever you want to call it.  I lived through his torment for several years.  All these years later I'm still not healed.

I should have talked to him first.  This is what I wrote.

"I wish I could sleep but there’s almost nothing worse than looking at a friend with exhausted dark circles under her eyes and the eyes…empty. Watching her close off from the rest of the people she knows ,especially, if they bring him up. What’s she supposed to do?

Tell her friends they were wrong? Yeah, they warned her he was a cheater. But they didn’t know it wasn’t other women she needed to worry about. Maybe she should tell them how he’s brought her down. Way down. Tell them what she dealt with was so much more painful than a sleazy guy with other women.

She learned fast how to handle being put down, being called stupid, eye rolls filled with disgust, being told to shut up, watching his face turn deep red when she said the “wrong” thing, being ignored, disrespected on and on. And how could he do all this in less than 90 days?

I’m only talking about her because I want desperately to slap her in the face. Wake up! Remember who you are! You’re not small. You’re not a failure. I want her to remember who she is. She’s strong and confident. She’s loved and used to be so happy. In less than three short months she’s in a very dark place. You’re not worthless. Why would someone be able to or even want to make someone feel this way?

This is a woman that served in the Army until 2003. I think it’s sad because when she trusted him she would almost talk about it to him. He made her feel safe. She doesn’t feel safe anymore.

She’s been so successful with business. Tried lots of different things. Some things failed but the ones that didn’t…Wow!

She co-owned restaurants in Monterey and Carmel…very successful ones. And unbelievable how well she did with that crazy mortgage boom. Talk about making money. Then took on insurance. Became one of the top agents in the area. Wouldn’t you think she’d act like a snobby bitch? Well, she wouldn’t because she’s not.

She’s very giving and tries really hard to be kind and tries not to judge. That doesn’t always work. She feels like sh#* sometimes and can be a bitch but will usually apologize when things get better. She doesn’t trust people that only talk about their good traits. People are liars unless they tell you that they make lots of mistakes even when they know it’s a mistake before they do it. Ah, life.

Reality is, she probably told him a lot. He probably just didn’t care. I mean, really, they were friends for over a year. Dated a few times but really were just friends. She thought the world of him even though, well, most people don’t. She introduced him to her son. He was great! Her son adores him. He met just about everyone in her family. He was so liked by people that generally don’t like anyone she dates. Oh, he was so charming and she felt…content…she never feels that way.

What should she do? Forgive him? Just give him another chance? I mean, really, it’s been such a short time since they actually spent this much time together. If a man does these kinds of things to a woman should he get another chance? Or should she let others know this isn’t a good guy and leave. It sucks because she wants to try again but why?"

Ugh, I wish I could sleep. But I can’t stop looking in the mirror at the exhausted dark circles under my empty eyes. I can’t talk about the way I feel so I write.

I'm sorry.  I may have reacted too fast.

No one would ever know any things wrong.  It's been way too long ago to still affect me.  It tears me apart all these years later. I've minimized my feelings so much that I've minimized myself as well.  I tell myself that I matter.  I deserve a full life but it's so much easier to not acknowledge what happened to me than to admit that I need help.  It's so much easier to live in my fantasy world.

Why I'm Not Ready to Date Right Now

There are a lot of reasons why I've decided not to date right now, chief among them being that, even though it's been years, I need time to heal from my previous marriage. That might sound like a cop-out, but it's the truth. After everything that I ignored, I need some time to learn how to trust again—both myself and other people. And until I'm able to do that, dating just isn't something that I'm interested in.

I'm also focused on rebuilding my life right now. During my marriage, I lost myself—or rather, I let myself be extinguished by my ex-husband. Now, after my ruptured brain aneurysm, I want to rediscover who I am and what makes me happy. I ignored my fear and hate I felt towards my ex.  After the rupture I'm not capable of ignoring my feelings.

For me, that means spending time with my friends, pursuing interests that I'd neglected before my free time and just generally living my life on my own terms. And while a romantic partner could certainly be a part of that equation at some point down the road, right now I'm just not interested in adding anything else to my plate.

I didn't deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in one at some point in their lives. If you're currently in an abusive relationship, the most important thing you can do is get out. Once you're out, though, you might find it hard to move on.

Here are a few tips I was given, on how to pick up the pieces and start fresh after an abusive relationship.

Give Yourself Time to Grieve

The first step is to give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship. This might seem counter intuitive, but it's important to allow yourself to feel sad and angry before you can start moving on. Don't try to bottle up your emotions; cry if you need to, or punch a pillow if that will make you feel better. It's also important to talk about what happened with somebody who will understand and support you. Once you've had a chance to let out all your negative feelings, you'll be in a better place emotionally to start rebuilding your life.

Create a Support System

Another important thing you need after leaving an abusive relationship is a strong support system. This can include friends and family members, but it could also include organizations like RAINN (the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. These organizations can provide you with emotional support and resources for getting your life back on track.

Focus on Taking Care of Yourself

After an abusive relationship, it's more important than ever to focus on taking care of yourself—both physically and emotionally. Make sure you're eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep, and doing things that make you happy. This is also a good time to reconnect with hobbies or interests that you may have neglected during the course of your relationship. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's necessary for healing both physically and emotionally.