My first step in healing after brain aneurysm

It had only been around two months since my brain aneurysm burst. The doctors said I was lucky to be alive. I remember sitting at Craig's table with a headache that felt like someone was hammering nails into my skull. I remember the strange numb feeling and just begging for the pain to go away.  I wanted more than anything to go to Cambria, Ca. We had planned it for a month.  I had no idea we would never get that day.  When I somehow survived I believed I lost everything.  The only thing I was supposed to believe is that I was lucky to be alive. 

Since then, I've been on a long and difficult journey to recovery. There have been ups and downs, good days and bad days. Mostly bad days.  Some days I feel like I'm never going to get better and that this is as good as it gets. But then there are other days when I see a glimmer of hope, a ray of sunlight peeking through the clouds. On those days, I feel like anything is possible. 

Healing

One of the things that has helped me the most on my journey to recovery is social healing. For me, social healing means getting out of the house and enjoying life again, even if it's just for a little while.  My first step to healing in the right direction was this night even though I was scared and had a hard time.  My friend Linda and I were sitting at my home, trying to figure out what to do.  I didn’t really say much.  I never thought about going out.  She said, “we’re going out.  Get dressed.”  I hesitated at first, feeling nervous about going out and socializing. However, my friend was insistent, telling me that I needed to get out of the house and have some fun. I didn’t even know how to put my clothes on.  She had to choose and help me get dressed.  My hair was barely growing and I didn’t know how to put on makeup.  She did her best getting me together.  “That will do,” she said.  That’s one thing I really like about her.  There was no bull shit.  I looked like crap and she didn’t lie and say I looked good.  She just said, “good enough.”  In the end, I relented and agreed to go out. I'm glad I did, because it turned out to be the first night in the right direction.  

First Night Out 

I was nervous as we walked into Press Box. It was a large, crowded room and I didn't know anybody there. I felt out of place and wished I had stayed home. Linda dragged me to a table right in front of where the band was going to play.  I was so nervous.  I looked like shit.  I was at a big table by myself waiting for Linda to come back.  But then I saw the band on stage and they looked so talented and cool.   I decided to relax and listen.  I couldn’t leave anyway.  I didn’t know how to drive. Soon I was lost in the music and having a great time. I forgot all about my nervousness and enjoyed myself until the last note ended. Listening to live music is one of my favorite things to do, and I'm glad she dragged me out.  

By the time the band finished it’s first set Linda had brough me enough drinks that I felt pretty drunk.  I felt stupid when the band drummer asked me to like them on Facebook.  I said, “okay.”  I couldn’t talk really or explain that I had no idea how to use facebook anymore.  I had no intention of bothering with it until he walked up again to remind me to like them on Facebook.  Funny thing is, after time went on, he became a friend and helped me heal.  That night he was just hitting on me.  Of course I had no idea.  My brain was messed up and I was overwhelmed being confronted about liking his band.  

Getting Socially Uncomfortable

I felt really overwhelmed and drunk as I walked outside. I wanted to find a way to leave, but I didn't know how. I couldn’t drive and had no idea where I was.  I was so panicked I started crying.   I looked around and saw a few people walking around, but no one seemed to be paying attention to me.  All I remember is a guy walked up to me and asked if I was okay.  He called me an Uber and made sure I went home.  I wish I remembered who did that.  That was beyond nice.  Even though it was intimidating at first and ended a little scary  it was worth it in the end.

It’s common for people that have had a ruptured brain aneurysm to be uncomfortable getting out.  There are things that some can’t handle and they are forced to stay away from social situations.  I am so lucky that I was pushed to go out even though I was scared.

Bright Light/Room Light

Most of us have experienced the temporary discomfort of bright light irritating our vision. Whether it's the sun glaring off snow or bright headlights shining in our eyes, bright light can be momentarily blinding. However, for some people, bright light can cause much more than just a momentary inconvenience. People who have had ruptured brain aneurysms, for example, often report that bright light worsens their headaches. While most of us can simply avoid bright light when it bothers us, for some people it's not that simple. Others I have talked with that have gone through surviving an aneurysm cannot even stand having lights on at home.

Loud Noise

Someone who has had a brain aneurysm burst is likely to experience a number of challenges in their everyday life. One challenge is managing the effect of loud noise. For many people, exposure to loud noise can cause confusion and anxiety, and it can also trigger headaches. This caused major anxiety for me. For me I heard talking and conversations from all different directions.  Add the sounds of music from the band playing. I sometimes would get so overwhelmed I had to leave.  Over time it got a little easier to handle.  If you are unable to avoid exposure, but you want to try, you should take measures to protect your hearing, such as wearing earplugs or using noise-canceling headphones.

Confusion

Feelings in  a crowd often felt overwhelming.   When I’m in a large crowd, I often feel confusion and anxiety. This is due to the way my brain processes information I’ve been told. In a large crowd, my brain is bombarded with so much stimuli that it has trouble processing all of the information. As a result, I often felt overwhelmed and confused.

Conversation

I often had difficulty communicating. I had slow talking skills and had trouble paying attention. This sometimes was very frustrating for both the person who was trying to communicate and for me trying to understand. I had a hard time being able to follow the conversation and usually did not remember what was said. 

I’m Lucky

I think I was lucky because partying while I was falling apart somehow gave me hope.  I didn’t really care what others thought.  I just wanted to drink and dance and attempt to feel alive.  I’m definitely not saying this was totally okay.  I was just lucky I was able to go to bars and listen to local bands.  I was enjoying going out and not having to think about what I lost.  I started getting comfortable accepting myself even with trauma.