Emotional Pain
Losing everything is hard enough, but when it's due to a ruptured brain aneurysm, the emotional toll can be devastating. Suddenly your entire world is turned upside down and you are struggling to cope with not only your physical pain, but also the overwhelming pain of memory loss.
Memory is a complex process that involves many different parts of the brain. When you remember something, you are actually retrieving information that has been stored in your long-term memory. If a brain aneurysm ruptures or treatment damages, your memory will be affected. For example you may have difficulty forming new memories. Alternatively, if another part of the brain is damaged, you may have trouble retrieving information from your long-term memory. Either way, damage to these areas of the brain can lead to memory problems.
Everything you once took for granted is gone, including your independence and ability to take care of yourself. It can be very difficult to come to terms with your new reality and rebuild your life after a burst brain aneurysm. Learning to slow down, actually being forced, is extremely heartbreaking. But it is possible, with time and support from loved ones. Lean on them during this difficult time and find ways to rebuild your life brick by brick. You will get through the tough time if you keep trying.
How I Feel
"It's been a few weeks now and I'm still trying to figure out how to act normal. Everything is so confusing. I can't seem to remember anything from day to day. The doctors say it's normal for someone who has had a ruptured brain aneurysm, but it feels like my life is over. How am I supposed to do anything if I can't even remember what happened yesterday?
I don't know how I ended up here. One minute I was working hard, raising my son and feeling loved and safe with Craig. Next I was in this strange place where I can't remember anything. The people around me keep telling me that I became disabled and can't remember things anymore, but it feels like a dream. Sometimes it feels like they are talking in a language that I don't understand.
I wasn’t even given time to prepare for this when it happened. Funny, but in speech therapy it was suggested I write down what I did, what I had planned, what I felt because I usually can’t remember. I wish I wrote things down before my brain aneurysm burst. Then I could read and relive my normal life. The life I’ll never get back. It feels like my whole world crumbled. Suddenly everything I took for granted is gone and I have to face the new challenge head on whether I want to or not. For a brain aneurysm survivor, this is especially tough because I lost my independence, ability to work, my reality and my memory. This leaves me feeling scared, alone, and depressed.
I don’t ever want him to see me ugly. I don’t want to look in the mirror. I’m too messed up. My head is bald with thick deep scars all over the left half. I look like Frankenstein. Not even Mrs. Frankenstein because I don’t have any hair. My skin is so pale and dry. I don’t remember how to fix myself. I have such a hard time putting makeup on, taking a shower, getting dressed and then I’m so tired I have to sleep. Everything’s so confusing.
I'm completely broken. I know death is a high risk for the first year but I want to die anyway. I’m trying so hard to be me but I don’t know who I am. I can’t remember what I said, what I did… I can’t remember things I do most of the time. What I wish I could say is I’m sorry for the way things are between us but I can’t. It’s not my fault. I’m angry. I’m scared, confused and lost.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel sorry for you. Why should I? I’m not only losing you. I’ve lost me…literally…I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. I feel sorry for myself. It hurts, but please don’t tell me not to be angry with…me. This is not what I expected. I didn’t choose this. To be alone? Not knowing who I am supposed to be? I feel like I’m waking up with a stranger but the stranger is…me. I’m certain this makes it easier for you. You don’t have to look at me. Just lie and say I’m pretty. I hate you. You didn’t even say goodbye.
When I write about what’s happening to me people act like I should be grateful. I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t care. I feel bitter. I need to ignore my good memories. It’s too hard. I’ll never get that life back. I hope I can accept my new life. I wish I could have lost my past memories not my memories of today! I’m scared. Am I going to meet someone else? Am I ever going to be calm? Will I ever accept this bullshit life? I haven’t quite figured out how the hell I’m going to do that."
Learning new material and coping with memory problems can be difficult for survivors of brain aneurysms. There are strategies that can help. For example, it may be helpful to break down new information into manageable chunks, or to create a system for remembering future events. Keeping a journal can also be beneficial, as it can help you to track your progress and identify any patterns in your memory difficulties. It could help you if you write a blog like this one. Of course, every person is different, so it's important to experiment to find what works best for you. Here’s the advice that I was given to improve memory.
Absorb Information
It can be difficult to keep track of all the new information we're bombarded with on a daily basis. Our brains are constantly trying to make connections between new and old information in order to help us better understand and remember things. One way to give your brain a boost is to try and link the new information with something you already know. If you're struggling to remember something, try breaking it down into smaller, simpler pieces. You can also try using memory aids like apps or notes. By taking a little extra time to process new information, you can help your brain build strong connections that will last.
Store Information
One of the best ways to help store information is to repeat and rehearse it soon after you learn it. By repeating the information to yourself soon after you hear it or learn it, you can help embed it in your memory. Then, a few minutes later, repeat it again to see if you can remember it. This technique of repeating and rehearsing new information can be especially helpful when trying to learn something new or memorize something for a test. By taking the time to Repeat and rehearse, you can give yourself a better chance of remembering the information when you need it.
Recall Information
One of the most difficult things for survivors of traumatic brain damage is recalling information. Here are a few ways to help with that:
Organize using a daily planner, calendar, or device such as a smartphone to schedule your day. Never before were “sticky notes” so important. Invest in several packages of these. You can also consider an audio recorder or use your smartphone’s recording function if that will help you remember things.
Write down all important information, such as doctor appointments, social engagements, birthdays and other important events, and medication schedules.Create a personal data bank.
Create a central database to access addresses, phone numbers, and any other information that you will need to meet with people (including doctors and therapists) and recall what specific discussions you had with them.By adopting some or all of these strategies, survivors of TBI can hopefully make some headway in the battle against forgetfulness.
I try to stay positive, but it's hard when everything feels so uncertain. Sometimes it feels like there's just no point in going on anymore. Every day is a new struggle as I try to learn how to live again. It's so hard when everything is so confusing. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day this will all make sense. Until then, I'll just keep fighting and hoping for a better tomorrow.
I would love to hear from people who are going through this and receive advice on how they cope. Please feel free to share your story in the comments below or reach out to me privately.
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Comments
Wow! I felt every word as you I read them! I deal with this daily as I have lupus. Kidney failure changed me and my body so much. I’m so glad you wrote this. So many more ppl need to read it! Don’t give up! God bless you.
It is great to share your experience and share knowledge. Good for you and wish you all the best!
Such a raw and open post. You will help others by sharing your experiences. I hope you are feeling better. Great post.